I don’t know about you, but typically during the season I notice myself bracing quite a bit. The darker days, colder weather, and anticipation of the family get-together craze can overwhelm my nervous system propelling my body into defense mode for navigating through dysregulating + emotionally dangerous events. Bracing for danger and preparing for action is exhausting and certainly takes away from remaining present in the moment, but this time of year reignites trauma for so many…what are we to do?
There’s a multitude of ways to stay grounded during turbulent times. Take things slow. Say ‘no’ to these that overwhelm you. Make time for self-care. Take deep breaths. Call a friend or loved one for support. These options are awesome and certainly effective, but if you’re reading this and saying to yourself “But I do all those things already, it’s not moving the dread or soothing me enough.” What if instead of avoiding and dodging difficult conversations, you gave the gift of calling in to yourself and your loved ones?
Calling in is a way to engage and navigate difficult conversations around difference of opinion, perception, and/or belief. Calling in means that we open conversational space for curiosity and exploration of a topic or statement versus making a value-added judgement or interpretation of someone’s disclosures or values system. Calling out is aggressive and unhealthily confrontational. It immediately triggers defensiveness and can oftentimes lead to relationship conflicts and explosions that are unproductive. Calling in happens when we feel calm and when we notice being open to understanding why + how someone thinks and feels the way they do. Calling in is assertive, intentional and intimate, while calling out is loud and abrasive.
“Being assertive does not mean attacking or ignoring others’ feelings. It means that you are willing to hold up for yourself fairly without attacking others.” -Albert Ellis
Calling in can be tricky if we get caught up in fixating on the outcome of being vulnerable. The hardest thing about being open and assertive is that people may or may not respect or listen to you. The goal of being assertive isn’t to get someone completely on your side or to get someone to do what you want & need. The goal is to express yourself authentically and see where it goes. The goal of calling in is to spark conversation. The risk with vulnerability is that you are totally out of control of someone else’s reaction. It’s a scary thing. But being stuck in silence for the fear of losing connection, being “too much”, or creating conflict is paralyzing in comparison to learning to speak your truth unapologetically.
So during this upcoming year, consider how the gift of calling in could serve you. Have plans, people, and rituals in place to help protect and soothe you so that no matter how things go, you are able to tend to your most delicate parts. Calling in is an act of high courage and bravery, and you are capable of conquering scary things.
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